I'm feeling faintly smug at the moment...

You see - I'm blogging this in the middle of a power cut.  I'm at home with no electricity, yet my servers, wireless network, and ADSL router are providing my Tablet PC with continued Internet connectivity, even though the rest of our village has been plunged into darkness.

Hooray for Uninterruptible Power Supplies...!

It makes me wonder - would I be considered sad if I buy another UPS for my TV, Wii and Sky+ box...?

(Blogged using Microsoft Windows Live Writer)

(If you can't be bothered reading my hypocritically snobbish opinions and just want to know what ridiculous car I'm buying next, just scroll to the pictures below...)

As peeps may know, I rather like fast cars.  However, being the fussy chap that I am, there are certain ground rules that need to be observed in order to meet my approval:

1. The fast car must be fast.  This is a blindingly obvious statement.  So let me qualify it further - the fast car must, in comparison to my current car, be fast(er).
   
   This was quite an easy goal to meet in the past - my first car was a 1.4 Vauxhall Astra with a 0-62mph of, ooh, probably around 13 seconds.  My next car was a 1.6 16v Vauxhall Astra with a 0-62mph of around 10.5 seconds.  People may remark at this point on how I managed to roll a not-too-fast car and land it on its roof...
   
   The dead Astra's successor, and my current car, is an Audi A3 Sportback 3.2 Quattro DSG, which has a 0-62mph time of 6.4 seconds.  Therefore my definition of fast is now creeping into the realms of silliness...
   
2. The fast car must be discreet.  Despite abundant evidence to the contrary, I shy away from ostentatious displays.  The car must ooze style, yet be restrained.  It must look aggressive yet, at a distance, should be indistinguishable from an ordinary run-of-the-mill car.
   
   This is one of the reasons why I bought my acceptably-fast Audi.  From a distance, it could be mistaken for an ordinary £16K 1.6 litre model.  Only the discrete S-Line kit and the boot-mounted "3.2 Quattro" badge indicate that this car might be reasonably nippy.  The number plate is personalised yet, for those not in the know, is totally undistinguishable from an ordinary '06 number plate.  I'm secure enough (I think?!?) with myself that my car doesn't need to act as a giant penis extension.
   
   That being the case, "vulgar" cars such as the Subaru Impreza RB320 don't get onto my list.  Fast it may be, but it's hardly discrete - what with that spoiler you can spot from the moon and an outrageous air scoop on the front bonnet.  This also excludes cars such as the TVR Tuscan whose bonnet looks as if some fat bugger sat on it.
   
   Basically, anything with a ridiculously loud engine that could wake the dead, an exhaust system which sounds like it's riddled with holes, or a stupidly large spoiler that shouts "I have no taste!" - these cars all get the chop.
   
3. The fast car must be comfortable (and convenient).  What is the point in spending tens of thousands of pounds on a car that drives fast, but whose ride chafes the skin off your arse?  Or buying a car whose interior (and technology) looks as if it's a throwback to the '80s?  Owning a fast car does not necessarily mean I can't get heated seats, a cutting-edge sound system, or a beautifully sculpted dash.
   
   My current (not-to-slow) car is a joy to drive in - I have very little negative remarks to make about the interior or the functionality.  The rear parking sensor is utterly invaluable.  The heated front and rear seats are most useful in the colder climes, especially as the seats are leather.  The electronic climate control keeps the driver's zone of the car fixed at an ambient temperature of 18.5 Celsius, regardless of whether it's a withering 28 degrees or a freezing -5 degrees outside.  The BOSE sound system blots out the outside world, allowing me to drive along to the blissful tunes of the Pokemon soundtrack.  The auto-dimming rear-view and door mirrors ensure that I'm not dazzled by any cars behind me during the night, and the fact that the door mirrors are also heated means I don't have to worry about scraping them in winter.  Finally, the DSG (now branded S tronic) gearbox means I have a very stress-free driving experience when pottering around town - the fact that this automatic gearbox outperforms a manual one, and offers better fuel consumption, is a bonus.
   
   So - I'm not short on luxuries on my current car.  Why on earth, then, do certain manufacturers embellish their cars, such as the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo IX, with throwback interiors that have stereos that look as if they've been stuck on with chewing gum, and knobs that wouldn't look out of place in a Fisher-Price toy?
   
   No - any car that makes it to my list must be shiny yet refined.  It must whisper into your ear that it has class.  It's the sort of car a "Technology Evangelist" such as myself would drive, not some ASBO yob whose car interior is clad with Burberry upholstered seats.
   
4. The fast car must also be a practical car.  By practical, I mean that I must be able to transport more than just my notebook bag.  People who know me can probably concur with the observation that I am hardly a light traveller - to put things into perspective, how many other men carry around two toiletry bags for an overnight stay?  When I go on a weekend trip with some friends, my luggage alone is likely to fill more of the car boot than all the others' luggage combined...  So - I need a decent amount of boot space.
   
   Although it's tenuous to say this is a practical feature, the car must also be able to accommodate my driving style (which has often been remarked as a combination of "boy-racer-crossed-with-old-lady), whatever the weather.  Maybe I'm lazy or arrogant, but I don't want to adjust my driving style, nor adjust my usual cruising speed (if it can be helped), come sun, rain or snow.  This is a rather long-winded way of saying that I quite like four-wheel drive cars - vehicles that you can still thrash about in the rain in relative safety, and can still get up the incline on my driveway in the snow...

So - these are some pretty specific requirements.  If you've lasted this long through my narcissistic blurb, then congratulations.  It's a sign that you're either very bored, or at least slightly intrigued as to what new car I've ordered.

So - without further ado...  May I present to you...

The Audi RS6

The forthcoming Audi RS6 is, I believe, the pinnacle of fun, yet sensible, driving.  It has a ridiculous amount of power - the FSI engine delivers 580bhp through a permanent four-wheel drive Quattro system (with rear-bias).  It has the most powerful road engine ever manufactured by Audi - allowing it to propel a car that weighs just over two tons from 0-60mph in 4.6 seconds!

Yet - it is also effortless to drive.  The automatic tiptronic gearbox, although not quite DSG, is on par with the dual-clutch setup.  The DRC suspension can be adjusted using the car's MMI system to tune the handling of the car (on-the-fly!) from "comfort" to "dynamic".  The interior exudes quality and refinement, and the car is armed with a BOSE surround sound system.  OK - so the car can do 0-60mph in a ridiculous time, but even when stuck in the inevitable traffic jam, at least I can sit back and relax, stuck in the stop/start rush-hour traffic wrapped in a reasonable level of luxury.

Yet despite all of this power and luxury, if you had only a fleeting glance at the car or weren't paying too much attention, you'd probably have subconsciously dismissed it as just another family estate car.  That is the sort of discretion that I demand...

You can tell from the salesman-like patter that I'm really quite excited...

Downsides...?  The fact that even though I have officially pre-ordered and paid a deposit for my car yesterday (the day it was officially launched at the Frankfurt Motor Show), the car will not be out until Spring 2008.  Alas - it appears that there were 8 more forward-thinking individuals in Aberdeen than myself, and they have secured pre-orders before me.  I am now not likely to be sitting in one of these until anywhere between Autumn 2008 and Spring 2009!

Other downsides...?  The price tag.  Personally, I don't mind it for the sort of car I'm getting, but if that's not a blatantly obvious sign of a mid-life crisis (admittedly a fairly practical mid-life crisis) then I don't know what is...

Environmentally-conscious people will despise me, and financially-sensible people will tut and roll their eyes at me.  Every other right-thinking person will wonder if I've gone completely mad...

Insane, even.  But I don't care.  At least I can take comfort that I will (eventually) be the proud owner of what I consider to be the pinnacle of the practical cars.  Sure, there are more expensively luxurious, or insanely fast, super-cars.  If I had stupid amounts of money, I'd certainly consider buying a few of them...  As it is, I have a limited (in a warped sense of the word) budget, and I can consider no better vehicle than the RS6 to allow me to belt around the country roads (within the legal speed limits, of course, officer-sir) yet still have enough boot space to ferry around large servers or my ludicrous amount of travel luggage.

Only 12-18 months to go...!

Goodness me...!

Absolutely tasteless, yet morbidly funny if you have a warped sense of humour!  :)

[Blogged using Microsoft Windows Live Writer]