It has been nearly a quarter of a year since my last blog, and even then that was a feeble attempt of a blog posting (essentially a “hello there, I’ve been too busy to blog” post).

So – a bit of a reboot is required, and I need to get into the habit of being both rude and inane once again.  No doubt due to my lack of a blogging outlet, I’ve been an incredibly grumpy sod in recent months – annoying co-workers, family and friends.

Ah well.

Not much to report, really.  But given how Windows Live has evolved in my time away, I may revisit the idea of (re-)publishing my photos on the web.  Not that you have much need to see photos of me in various states of nudeness but – quite honestly – photos of anything else just bore me.

Wow – a month-and-a-half since my last posting…?

How time flies when you’re having fun!  Wait…  I’m not having fun.  Bah – old proverbs are wrong and shit, apparently.

Anyhoo – I am alive.  I have been somewhat busy – trying to get our company restructure sorted, and essentially rebooting parts of the business.  As usual – ever optimistic that shuffling some paper around and creating whole new tasks lists will change things for the better… :)

I will try and blog a bit more regularly, again.  Perhaps not once a day (that’s doomed to failure), but maybe once or twice a week…

Stuff in my head I need to spill out include:

• Installing and running Windows 7 on my shiny new HP 2730p Tablet PC
• Completing my 30 Years of Life postings – truly a worthlessly epic tale of self-love and self-loathing!
• Random ranting
• Parties ahoy – my aim this year is to organise three small parties/piss-ups, and one spectacular mega-Party either sometime late Spring or early Autumn…

That’s it, really.  Right – back to work, but watch this space…  It’s even less exciting than watching paint dry.  (Ooo… a proverb that’s actually right!)

I’m feeling quite lazy today, so Part C is going to be a brief instalment.  Hey – at least I’m making an effort.  I should have a bit of time over the weekend, so expect long-winded essays then…  As with yesterday, I’m going to cheat a little…

Positive Fact C

I’m extremely immature and good (if somewhat dirty) humoured.  I don’t tend to take things very seriously at all.

I’d like to think that this fosters some kind of enjoyable work environment – I’ve yet to be hauled in front of the courts for helping to create an expletive-ridden, dirt-mongering office environment.  Only today, I was encouraging work colleagues to search the Internet for reviews on Aberdeen whores.  The scary thing is, we (or rather, I – I don’t wish to taint anyone else in the office here) managed to find some cursory reviews, including one girl who is “alleged to be the dirtiest cock sucker in the world – advance booking recommended”! (the totally work-unfriendly link is here).

Maybe not a well-known fact, but I do enjoy reverting into extremely childish moods at times.  I enjoy the whole universe of Pokémon – in fact I have a number of these plush toys adoring my office and at home.  The Animaniacs are my other passion – my first company was named after the location they lived in, and all of the PCs I’ve owned since starting business has invariably been named after one of the characters on the show.  I have pretty much all their soundtracks, and am occasionally prone to singing aloud to them in the car (which must be a completely mad sight – a chubby oriental-type sitting in an obscenely expensive Audi RS 6, singing along to the kiddie-oriented Be Careful What you Eat song as sung by the Warner Brothers (and Warner sister)).

The net effect is that I probably spend half my time acting like a 10 year old, and really enjoying it.  Life’s too short to take seriously all the time – kick back, and have laid-back and innocently-humoured fun!

Negative Fact C

Alas – my utter immaturity and childishness rubs some people the wrong way.  I suspect that there may be a few people within the IT industry who might view me as being totally insane, especially given my entirely retarded behaviour at parts of the Microsoft Worldwide Partner Conference earlier this year.  I am also perhaps not the most professional representative of our company, as evidenced by what I get up to at professional training courses – that was no random freebie junket, but a £3,500 course paid for with company money…!

Yes – I know that my colleagues sometimes despair at the utter lack of self-control I have, and I have no doubt are sometimes faintly embarrassed on my behalf.  I know that my childish antics have certainly knocked back my professional credibility a bit.

It’s all about getting a decent balance between having fun and enjoying work, and remaining professional enough to perform the work and to instil confidence within work colleagues, clients and partners.  Although I’m having a ton of irreverent fun, I’ve obviously not got this balance right, and I suspect the business suffers because of this… :(

So – part 2, er “Part B” of my 30-part epic.  Sweepstakes already abound as to how many posts I manage to make before I get bored and give up!

I’ll cheat a little today…

Positive Fact B

I have a very organised, very methodical and logical mind.  Every major decision I make comes down to hours of logical thinking and fine-tuning.  It’s why I’m such a great fit in the IT industry (although, strangely, no idea why I’m such a terrible coder).  I can very carefully visualise how entire networks and functionality is built, and how they all inter-depend or inter-relate with each other.

It also means that I rarely make decisions I regret.  That’s not to say that I don’t screw up – I do, and I sometimes do spectacularly.  But – the risk has always been considered, and I’m never really bitten in the ass by any decision that I have thought through.  Even some recent business-related issues – although unpleasant and inconvenient – was not a surprise, and the risk was considered beforehand (I could have handled it better, in hindsight, but again – no real regret with how things have gone).

So – no rash decisions, then, and very few regrets on business and work-related decisions that I make.  Happy days.

Negative Fact B

As I said, I’m cheating today.  So – today’s negative fact about my life is the fact that I have a very organised, very methodical and logical mind.  Déjà vu?

Alas – all that planning, forethought and preparation means I have very little time to actually spend committing to a task that I have spent ages planning.  Sometimes, the opportunity has flown right by before I’ve made up my mind.

Minor case in point – today, while at the gym, I was incredibly desperate for a pee whilst on the X-Trainer.  My dilemma was – should I interrupt my training program on the X-Trainer, head down for a pee, then come back and try to resume my exercise?  Or should I risk holding it in, with an escape plan on standby should I have an “accident”?  I spent a good 11-12 minutes debating it either way, and also formulating the best, most discrete way of quickly wandering away should I momentarily lose bladder control.  In just under a quarter-of-an-hour, my routine on the X-Trainer was pretty much complete anyway, making my whole thought process moot, as I had to hang on for another couple of minutes before leaving.  Yes – it actually took me so long to come to a decision that I ran the high risk of public humiliation, as well as rendering my dilemma moot through the passage of time.

On a professional basis, I have possibly one of the most complex task-management systems ever.  I have a whole notebook in Microsoft Office OneNote dedicated to managing my business goals.  My current professional tasks span 5 tabs, each holding anywhere up to 30 pages, and each page containing up to 50 tasks (although, on average, anywhere between 10-25 task).  Yes – I’m not exaggerating when I say that I have planned for myself, an overall to-do list of over 5,000 tasks.

My greatly logical mind creates big overarching goals (say, renew Microsoft Partner registration for 2009), which is broken down into smaller tasks (say, renew Information Worker competency), which is then broken down into yet another sub-task (complete 3 client references), which is still yet broken down into a smaller task (complete client reference for XYZ Limited).  This huge task “book” takes a couple of hours every day to tend and update.

All of this is linked to Microsoft Office Outlook, which I use to manage the atomic tasks (that is, tasks that cannot be broken down any further and are my “next step” items).  These are the tasks that I sync to my phone, and which I try to perform on a daily basis.  In order to ensure that I do tasks, I then link each task item as a calendar item in my diary, thus (in my mind), scheduling an item to be done at a particular time.

Excellent – my mind says.  However, I’ve just burned through pretty much a whole morning managing my business tasks, and any unforeseen interruption (say, a quick 20 minute chat with one of the guys in the office, or an unplanned phone call), and my elaborate plan all falls to pieces and I spend ages rescheduling and re-prioritising.

Yes – it’s shit, and  I need to find a way to be more effectual.  The other thing that galls me around this?  I also have an equivalent for my personal life and personal interests, but rarely visit that due to lack of time.  It is somewhat disheartening to look at my personal life, and see how stagnant it has become both in terms of self-development/self-improvement, and how totally unbalanced my business/personal life is.

Rather than numbering things, I’m going to use letters.  It’ll be interesting to see what happens when I reach the end of the alphabet as, last time I checked, there weren’t 30 of the blasted things (letters, that is).

Anyway – this is the first blast at my self-imposed introspection…  30 positive and 30 negative things about my life, eh…?  Let’s get the ball rolling with some fairly frank open statements:

Positive Fact A

I’m a very frank and open person.  I say, and blog, about a lot of things.  Usually highly inappropriate things.  I don’t really care what other people think about my statements or opinions (which is either a shining example of being truly open-minded, or is sheer bloody-minded selfishness – I like to think of it as the former).

Despite appearances to the contrary – there are a number of things I still keep private (a topic for another day), and that I only discuss with my very close inner circle (yet another topic – but to keep you guessing – my inner circle isn’t composed of people).

However, for the most, I’m quite happy to express my opinion – be they welcome or otherwise.  There is no topic I won’t broach – and I’m quite happy to offend people with my thoughts (again, another blog post for the future).

So yes – it’s not that I have no shame.  It’s just that, well, I see very little point in keeping secrets.  People either like you, and your opinions, or they don’t.  There’s no point hiding or, even worse, lying about who you are in order to gain more “friends” – what a pointless exercise.  I am who I am (a topic of a previous post), and I don’t see any point in pretending otherwise, or inhibiting yourself just because society says so (although, yet again, another topic for another day).

Being so open…?  Positive, in my book.

Negative Fact A

Well, if I’m such an open-minded individual, able to speak about any topic, let’s open with a belter.  Or maybe not, as I’m sure most people have suspicions anyway, if I haven’t already outright confirmed it.  I am, or will shortly be, a 30-year old virgin.

Yep – currently, I’ve done it with ladies, gents, dogs, sheep, dolphins or anything else as often as I’ve done it with Her Majesty the Queen.  That is to say, I have not yet done the deed.  Not even come close.

I have (what I think) are principled reasons as to why my life has been void of any sexual activity.  However, reasons aside (and yes, they are also forthcoming topics on my 30-day blog epic), I have to admit that, now that I’m well over the peak of sexual prowess, I wonder if perhaps I’ve left things quite (too?) late.

I’m at the stage now where, with hindsight, I’m of the opinion that I should have been engaging in the hanky-panky quite some time ago.

So yes.  For the record – I do regret not having tried hard enough (or tried at all, if I’m brutally honest).  It’s not as if it appears that difficult – given what I see goes on in town on a Friday or Saturday evening.

Having said that, I’m still principled enough to not go out and just pay for some action.  Heck – I imagine what I spend on petrol a month on my car could more than buy some, er, other form of entertainment.  But, well, that’s not just me.

You never know, though.  After 30 days of introspection, perhaps I’ll throw caution to the wind and go all-out on a mad whore-guzzling binge with fistfuls of cash.  However, I suspect not.

Wow.  Has it been nearly a month since I last blogged?

Well – I’ve been busy.  It’s probably a few blog posts in itself, but it’s been a messy few months, and I’m just trying to get organised.  Needless to say, I stuffed up and am now running about like a headless chicken, trying to get everything on an even keel again.

Which neatly leads into the main topic of this particular posting.

I’m near to hitting the ripe old age of 30, and people have been asking why I haven’t organised a birthday bash of some sort…  It’s because, long-term, I think I’ve stuffed up, and really need to get things in shape.

Not to piss all over everyone else’s 30th birthdays (there’s been a spate of these this year due to all my similarly-aged university acquaintances), but I personally don’t feel that birthdays are major events.  Now don’t get me wrong – there are folk out there who enjoy having a bash, and it’s a nice excuse to get some far-flung friends together for a party.  However, a birthday – to me – is about celebrating achievements.  Let’s face it – unless you’re particularly stupid, careless or horrendously unfortunate, then getting to 30 years of age is hardly a difficult achievement.  We should be striving to achieve great things (within our means), not sitting back in satisfaction at the mere passage of time.

So – achievements, then.  Alas – looking at the last 30 years, I’d give myself a C grade in terms of what I hoped to achieve by this stage.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not bitter, or complaining, about the standard of my life.  Overall, it’s very nice – and I’m certainly very fortunate to be in the tiny percentile of folk around the world who do not need to worry about basics such as food or shelter.

However, given the environment, opportunities and education I have been fortunate enough to receive – well, I’ve done a pretty piss-poor job of building upon all of this.  I’m not talking specifically about any financial goals (although they are fairly important), but – at this particular moment, I can’t single out any particular thing that I’ve done in recent times that I’m really proud of as an achievement.  It’s fairly, well, disappointing.

All due to a lack of effort on my part, though – it’s not like I’ve been really pushing to do something charitable, or have made any great effort to earn a fortune.  I’ve been coasting along so far, which has been enjoyably relaxed and entertaining.  But with some hindsight, I wonder if perhaps I’ve squandered 30 years of opportunity…?

I’m sure everyone gets this feeling when they hit the “middle-age” band, and I’m certainly going through this now.

But as I said – this isn’t really a rant.  More of a chance for some in-depth introspection.  I had an idea around the blog that I’ll try over the next period…

Given that I’m nearly 30 years of age, I thought it might be an interesting exercise over the next 30 days to post what I feel are 30 positive, and 30 negative, aspects of my life – one of each per day.  This takes me nicely into the New Year, which is quite well-timed.

Other than the first couple of thoughts – I have no idea what I’m going to write.  I’ll make it up as I go along…  It’ll be a long process but, at the end of this, I’ll hopefully have a better idea of what I’ve achieved in life, and what can be improved.  If you have the patience/boredom to read all of it, you might get to know me a little better as well.

So… here goes…

As a closing note – I have to say that I am both impressed, and appalled, by how the American feel the need to jazz up the elections.

Other than the over-the-top CGI and poll monitoring (very reminiscent of Brass Eye parodies of such graphics), It thought the most ridiculous tool to illustrate the vote count was the “ice-rink map” at Election Plaza (a stupid name in itself).  Behold…

Really – is there any need to represent an electoral map on ice, with real water dyes?!?

That is, indeed, an angry hand gesture being made to express the, well, complete wank-job that this map is.

Right – it is now 5.35am.  Having spent the last 6.5 hours in front of various streams from the web covering the election, I am now officially pooped.  See you when I recover from the alcohol poisoning!

Listening to Obama’s speech at the moment.  Truly great – I’m very glad he hasn’t made much (if anything) about the fact that he is black.

He is speaking about working to improve America.  He is setting expectations – he has claimed that there will be unpopular policies, that some issues will take more than a year, or a term, to sort.

I admire how he has coined a new catchphrase: “Yes, we can!” – nice sound-bite that resonates with the general public…

Am I being too drunkenly cynical, and poo-poo-ing what is clearly a momentous occasion for African-Americans?  I see that Rev Jesse Jackson and Oprah Winfrey are in tears at the fact that a black man is going to be the next President.  Maybe this is a great occasion for them…?   But still – surely it is about the policies and beliefs of the man, and not his colour or upbringing?

Still – great speech, and very inspiring.  The message is still very on-note – America needs change, and America can make change happen…

What the hell?!?

As if to emphasise my point about race, the press has randomly started to cover a small town in Kenya, where they are celebrating the fact that a black man has made it into the White House.

Yeah – never mind his policy about economic recovery, international relations (especially around Iraq and Afghanistan) and internal reform.

This is apparently about “equality”, about “decency”, about “forgiving past transgressions” – i.e. it’s all about race.

Pah, say I.  Stop cheapening this.  I really hope he won because of what he believes in, not because of what colour he is.

So – about 5 minutes have passed since Obama has won.

Great concession speech from McCain – graciously admits defeat, and is concerned with unity of the country above all else.

However – the whole election is, to my mind, cheapened by the whole emphasis that a black man has won.

Don’t get me wrong – it is great to see such a momentous event.  However, MSNBC has wheeled out the likes of John Lewis, the Rev Jesse Jackson – who only spoke about the fact that a black man has won the Presidential race.

So it comes down to race, does it?  No-one so far has mentioned anything about his policies, his belief, his personality.  It’s all been about race.  Come on – it’s great that a black person has entered the White House – but is it really the be-all-and-end-all?  More important than policy?

I find it, well, disheartening that the defining thing about the most powerful man in the world is around his race, rather than his beliefs or policies or political stance.  It feels, well, cheapening to his victorious win.  Race should be secondary to what he stands for (other than colour), and this is transpiring not to be the case, given the current media coverage.

Maybe that’s what our civilisation stands for now – the easiest, simplest sound-bite or simple characteristic.  Who cares about what he stands for, eh?  He’s black, for heavens sake.

At least… that what it feels like…

But despite my reservations about genuinely why he won (colour rather than policy), I’m glad he has won – I think he will be a brilliant President and will help repair a lot of the damage done in recent years.

WTF?!?

Wandered back, to find that Obama has won!

Yippee, I guess – but hell, I’m going to be drunk!  Don’t the American people know what they’re doing to me?!?

Besides that – I am well-pleased.

I maintained, even back in the days when Obama was running against Hillary Clinton, that Obama would be the next US President – I certainly hoped he would be, because I believed he had a sound mind, sensible policies (especially in his attitude to international relationships), and was a charismatic person.

So – well done Obama.  However, curse you, for getting me drunk so quickly!

Too…  Much… Alcohol…

I’ve already imbibed 15 shots, and some extra alcohol on the side, and feel fairly drunk.  Need to take a break!

We wandered out for a quick walk, as we’re both fairly tired and drunk, and need some fresh air.

Passed by a charity shop, where someone dumped an exercise bike.

Seizing the chance to burn off some excess alcohol – we temporarily “borrowed” it to burn off some booze…

Oh dear.  Big updates have just occurred…

I have to quickly down 6 additional shots of Port, unfortunately…

OK – so I’ve agreed to a drinking competition geared around the US elections, as it’s a nice way of making politics interesting…!

As of 11pm, we’ve been following the US elections – three streaming feeds provide us with the polling results – MSNBC, BBC News and Sky News.

Quick rules are as follows:

1. The tally from MSNBC is treated as the official count.  The votes are being read differently by different networks.  However – any news team that uses Microsoft Surface to show election results must surely know what they’re speaking about (plus, their CGI graphics look the best).
2. Although we nominally agreed that we’d have one shot per State, we worked out this may not be for the best (for some States are worth more votes than others, thanks to proportional representation).  So – with 270 votes to win the race for Presidency, we’ve agreed to have one shot per 15 votes.  Therefore, a maximum of 18 shots will be drunk by the eventual loser.
3. I’m representing the Republicans and McCain.  So – for every 15 electoral votes that Obama wins, I will need to down one shot.
4. My rival is representing the Democrats and Obama.  Accordingly, for every 15 electoral votes that McCain wins, he will have to drink a shot.
5. As there are a potentially large number of shots (at least 18 for the loser), we’ve settled on Taylor’s Port as the initial drink of choice.  This may run out fairly quickly, so I’ll update you on what we decide to drink next…

As it stands, it’s 1.24am, and Obama has 103 votes against McCain’s 34 votes.  I’ve already done 4 shots, so have another 2 to go.  Better get started…!

Dear RandomStan,

Salutations and greetings!  It’s been a long time since we last spoke, and I thought that this would be a suitable time to drop a quick e-mail to catch up with you.  You might vaguely remember me – such has been the passage of time in the interim.  I’m the sensible, well-mannered aspect of your personality – just nickname me Anti-RandomStan.

I’ve been in a privileged position (you know, as part of your personality) to have read your recent blogs, overheard your recent conversations, and observed your general behaviour.  I know it has been a long time since we discussed this last but… I was wondering if I might yet again appeal to your better-natured side to strive for a bit more tolerance and maturity?

I’d like to think that we’re aspiring to live in a more enlightened age.  Especially given your background of excellent education and upbringing at Robert Gordon’s College (recently placed 1st in the Financial Times league of Scottish Schools), I had expectations that you would be a shining example of tolerance, understanding and political correctness.  Alas, I feel that you might have meandered (inadvertently, I hasten to add) somewhat away from this aspiration.

Given the furore surrounding the confluence of recent events; it did motivate me to contact yourself and set forth once again my general appeal to you.  Surely the media and public reaction around the controversial voicemails that Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross recently made have proved beyond doubt that there is no place in today’s society for negative behaviour and uncomplimentary comments?  Indeed – on a more personal level, you’ve taken your offences to a whole new level where associates are resorting to leaving negative feedback on your blog!

My personal stance (in an utterly non-condemning way, of course) is that I don’t believe it is suitable to crack vague “jokes” surrounding anyone’s misfortune (regardless of whether it has happened, or may happen).  I pick a few of your recent jibes to illustrate my point:

• You recently started indicating your distaste around “Christmas” marketing.  Although you may not realise, this may offend non-Christians – regardless of whether they follow other religions, or choose not to believe in religion at all.  I would recommend that you call this forthcoming period the “non-denominational festive period”, to more accurately reflect today’s mixed society and to ensure no offence is caused.
• You also crack comments around the matter of AIDS.  (Actually – it appears that you just like uttering the word, as if it were some sort of fashionable catch-phrase.)  Again – think of the people whose lives have been devastated by this terrible scourge.
• You most recently blogged about the forthcoming Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 game.  I should point out that this game carries a whole baggage of negativity.  From the stereotyping of the Japanese and Russians to the portrayal of war – indeed, this game manages to potentially offend people both in terms of race, as well as trivialises those many billions who have either died or otherwise been negatively impacted by war.  Have we not yet had enough death through war to realise it for the obscene concept that it is?  Yet we continue undeterred to these lessons – playing war-games and shooting people as if it were socially acceptable.
• Infertility and still-born jokes are, well, just in bad taste.  How many lives have been devastated due to these factors?  Millions of women around the world live their lives in fear of these awful circumstances – to trivialise it with unnecessary jibes is just, well, uncouth!

You argue recently that you are “pushing boundaries”, and that there are differing opinions on tolerances.  However, you appear not to have realised that no negative behaviour should be tolerated.  It is equally offensive to joke about infertility and AIDS as it is to force upon the concept of “Christmas” to non-Christians or to shoot at people in games while there are people being shot at in real life in our city streets!

As has been demonstrated amply by the Brand/Ross Radio 2 outrage and recent electronic communications – it does not matter if the victim himself/herself is offended or not – it does matter when people take it upon themselves to be offended on other peoples’ behalf.  After all – only 2 people initially complained about the Brand/Ross incident, until it hit the mainstream press and full public indignity erupted!

In today’s society – it is perfectly acceptable to be offended on other peoples’ behalf – it is what helps us on our path to a more tolerant and understanding society.

My plea to you is to become a model citizen.  Resist dropping negative comments to people, and generally become tolerant, understanding and encouraging.  Feel free to step in when you think offence may be caused, as this will undoubtedly provide food for thought to others, bringing them to introspectively reflect on their own behaviour.  Become, as they say in society, as Politically Correct as one can possibly aspire to be!

As well as being an entreaty, I encourage you to view this as a challenge!  My non-offensive challenge to you, sir, would be to spend the next two weeks (from midnight of the 30th October to midnight of the 13th November) to be as upstanding a citizen as you can possibly be.  Champion the cause of political correctness, and strive not to cause offence!  I understand that you are not a particularly charitable person (which, I hasten to add, is not an offence-causing criticism – just a general observation on a particular facet of your overall unique and special personality).  Therefore, I will also appeal to your more materialistic side – if you can maintain my challenge of two weeks of political correctness, I will allow you to purchase a new toy.  I know (being, you know, a part of your overall personality) that you keep a stash of money hidden in your sister’s underwear drawer (which you ostensibly claim to be a safe place to hide cash, whereas I would posit that you put money there so that you can fondle your sister’s panties in the darkness under the guise of searching for some pocket money) – I would agree to your spending no more than £3,000 of that money to buy yourself a 64-bit Tablet PC that I know you have been hankering after.  Every time you become bitter and cynical, and are just desperate to drop a lewd or offensive comment, divert your tension by thinking of the productivity-enhancing benefits that a 64-bit Tablet PC with 8GB RAM could bestow upon you!

I sincerely hope that you accept my challenge, and would wish you the absolute best of luck!

Many warm regards

Anti-RandomStan

---

Dear RandomStan

“Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker!  You’re a cock-sucking, ass-licking uncle fucker…”  What?!?  I’m merely quoting from the South Park movie!

Blah blah blah blah.  What a long-winded, stupidly pointless rant-letter.  Yada-yada-yada.  As I said before, I quite enjoy pushing boundaries, and I still firmly believe that no topic should ever be out of bounds.  If we’re worried about cracking jokes around paedophiles, rape and infertility, then surely we should also be equally offended about jokes around poverty, war, and religion (because, you know, millions of people have died from the latter – and thus it’d be equally offensive to trivialise those).

But… I accept your challenge.  For two reasons:

1. Yes – a shiny new 64-bit Tablet PC would just be great.  I can’t technically justify buying one, but I think it would be a suitable reward for two weeks of total tolerance and utter political correctness and,
2. I personally think that an utterly politically correct RandomStan would bug the hell out of everyone – it’d get utterly annoying, and I think I’d get kicks just for doing that!

You know, I was kinda disappointed a few weeks ago when I was getting drunk, looking for an epiphany, and thinking I didn’t get one.  Over recent days, I come to realise that I possibly had one of the best ever…

“Yes.  I’m a dick.  And I enjoy being a dick.”

And on that note – brace yourself for two weeks of Politically Correct RandomStan!

Yours (with hugs and smooches)

RandomStan

P.S.  I should point out that I’ve already planned a social event around the US Presidential Elections, so will agree to your challenge on the caveat that the Tue/Wed of 4th/5th Nov is not included in your challenge.  I will, after all, be around similarly like-minded immaturity, so feel that no offence would be caused in any case.  Ta!

Jings!  I turn my back for two seconds, and everyone lets their imaginations run riot like uncontrollable children!

Just to clarify, the comment ping-pong from a few threads back was not because I was dropping stillborn comments around someone who had recently lost a child.  Nay – it wasn’t even around any stillborn jibes in the first place.

I’m half-offended that people would think that I’d stoop to that level, but probably more self-satisfied that my language is so random that people could quite easily contemplate that I mutter these things in those circumstances… ;)

Infertility, though… That’s where all the action is about.  Yes – you’re all infertile…

And you probably have AIDS.  Bad AIDS too, not good AIDS.

[OK, so maybe a very select subset of people who read that will understand what I’m wittering about.  And I think an even smaller subset of people will appreciate the resurgence of this random reference…  My fragile and easily-influenced mind is obviously hanging out with the wrong crowd… ;)]

“Your premium is shown below and I am sure you will be delighted with the value for money our policy provides.”

£7,554.40 for annual car insurance is “value for money”?!?

Alright, so maybe I don’t have a perfect track record.  Before the Audi A3 Sportback, I did write off my Vauxhall Astra, and managed to land it on its roof.  (I was unscathed, bar a sore thumb, in case you were wondering…!)

And yes, I guess I do have 6 points for speeding thus far (all accumulated in the A3, a car that was half as powerful, and a quarter of the price, of my current car).

But still - £7,554.40.  “value for money”.

I think not.

Well – it’s been a bit of a long-winded few days…  But at last, it all culminates into this – why I behave the way that I do…

Regardless of whether people agree or disagree with me (hey, it’s your prerogative and your right to do so!), I’d like to sum up first by stating, in a most clichéd manner, that I am who I am.

Without sounding too mock-philosophical, I find that people are very complex beings and yet, are extremely simple at their core.

What drives me in life, and I assume what drives everyone in life, is the need to have fun.  Stripping away all the mechanisms to achieve this, like money and responsibility and family, everyone is driven by the need to have fun.

The complexity lies in what fun actually is, and how we get there.  For some people – it’s having a family, and being able to spend time with them.  For others, it’s about earning money and using it to buy items or holidays that are out of reach for the mere masses.  For others still, it is about celebrity and adulation – the need to be recognised and respected.

Everyone has a very unique combination of what is fun, and what mechanisms they use to get there.  What I find… interesting, though, is how people try and keep their little parcels of fun segregated…  The majority of people I know have four general personas – their personal life (of which they will hardly ever share with anyone, not even those closest to them), their family life, their social life and their professional life.  There is always overlap, of course, but I don’t think I’d be generally remiss to state that people may do or say one thing in one life, yet not at all in another.  As an example that may resonate with a lot of folk: what they say about their workplace to their friends in their social life is very different to what they say to their workmates and managers when face-to-face with them in their professional life.

I guess it must be a form of self-preservation – by limiting the damage and cross-over from one life to the other, people probably feel safer and more secure in any particular circle, and thus can continue to maximise their facility for fun.  After all, if some of your fun is derived from buying needless tangible toys or spending time with your children, then surely telling your crappy boss what you really think of him/her (i.e. what you’d have no problems telling your mates at the pub) is hardly likely to enhance your ability to buy even more needless tat or your ability to feed your kids, is it?

I’m… a bit different.  I’d like to think of myself as being slightly less risk-adverse (or just plain stupider) than most folk.  Y’see, I treat my Professional, Family, and Social lives as one and the same.  There is nothing I would not do nor say in front of, say, my parents that I wouldn’t do in front of friends, staff or clients.

Naturally (and like everyone else), I still have certain Personal thoughts that I’ll keep to myself – that is, unless they find the bodies and I’m forced to share the info otherwise…  But aside from that, I personally don’t see the point of segregating the various aspects of your personality.

This, naturally, irks a lot of people – I’m quite vocal with my thoughts, and I also let slip many, many MindWrongs that undoubtedly abrades a lot of folk.

Due to this openness, I’m sure that many people view me (possibly quite rightly) as arrogant, stubborn and petulant.  I am, in equal measures, terribly immature and inappropriate.  I accept that this can cause, and has caused, damage and offence – how could it not?  That’s why most people keep these aspects of their lives segregated.

For me, though, it is a worthwhile trade-off in my continued efforts, like everyone else, to have fun.  The blurring, nay – actual removal, of these boundaries are what allow me to enjoy my professional life as much as my social life (and my family life, whatever that may constitute).  It is why the drive to spend time in the office is equal to the drive to spend time with friends or vegging out at home – to me, it’s all very much one and the same, and I have no preference for one over the other.

This makes my life not only tolerable, but very enjoyable.  I enjoy the work that I do (OK – I’d enjoy it a bit more if there weren’t so many different piles of paperwork to shuffle, but you get the idea).  I enjoy playing with Hyper-V technologies as much as I enjoy playing Halo 3, which is about as much as I enjoy getting outrageously drunk and doing silly things.

However, there is a very delicate balance between these three lives, and one made particularly difficult when you decide to mix them all together.  The commitment and responsibilities you have in one life (say, your professional life), should not have a detrimental impact on another (say, your family life).  With established boundaries and compartmentalisation, this should be fairly easy to juggle – in your professional life, you spend 9-5, M-F doing work (with occasional overtime) and then you go home, switch off, and enjoy family/social life.

When you mix and match all three, as I have chosen to do, you must be very careful not to do one thing at the detriment of another.  It’s all fine to get pissed and run riot every evening at a training course, but an altogether bad thing if it’s done to the detriment of anyone else on your course, or at the expense of your boss (who still has to foot the bill if you fail).  Again – if you’re planning to get pissed over the weekday, you had better be sure this isn’t to the detriment of your work or clients.

I put my hands up, and say that I have occasionally got this wrong.  And I will continue to get it wrong – no-one can claim to be perfect, can they?  However, as long as you work hard to keep things in balance, and get it right most of the time, well – surely that works, right?

If it hasn’t worked, or if I haven’t got it right, then let me know!  I’m quite open, frank and arrogant.  Therefore, I’m quite happy for others to be arrogantly open and frank to me.  Give me a kick in the nadgers if I’m getting it wrong – otherwise I’ll be living my fun life/lives in blissful ignorance!

Going back to where I started – I want to say again that I am who I am.  It’s not an apology, nor is it an excuse.  It’s simply a statement of what path I have chosen, and how openly I have chosen to lead my life.  For me, there is no distinction between family and friends and work.  There is nothing that I would do, or say, or jibe about, in one group that I would not do in another.  I accept that it will irk some folk.  I accept that it will confuse/bemuse others.  As long as it does not cause considerable offence, and does not impact on my ability to deliver to folk in any of these three lives, then I’m going to continue happily living my fun life the way I currently am.

I sometimes wish that people were as comfortably open as myself, but I understand very much why they may choose not to do so (and I also understand why others view me as simply insane).  It’s personally vindicating, though, to see that Orange’s new message is very much similar to my own – just aspire to be comfortable with who you are, regardless of who you’re presenting yourself to.

I’m happy with who I am, and I feel no need to hide bits of my personality because it might be deemed “immature” or “inappropriate”.  That’s it in a nutshell, really.

[You probably should have scrolled through the entire text to read that last paragraph – it’d have negated the need to read the rest of my diatribe.]

Following on from yesterday’s missive, I guess the next biggest thing which gets me funny glances is the level of sheer inappropriateness that I often blurt out…

After all, I’m guessing that not many people would intimate on their publically-viewable blogs that they get fellated by their own mother (or is it that I fellate my mum – I can’t tell, such is the level of my inexperience).

Yes – I’m a terribly inappropriate person.  No subject matter is too taboo – religion, infertility, stillborns, recent deaths, sexual acts with family members – there is nothing that I won’t stoop to.

So… Why?  Why?!?

Well (and you’ll note the common theme from yesterday’s post), it’s all about having fun.  Really.

There are too many folk these days taking life too seriously.  The Politically-Correct Brigade are rapidly turning this country into some terrible 1984-esque Orwellian “tolerance-zone”, where nobody is allowed to mutter, well, just about anything lest it offend people (coming up to the festive season, we’re all more than aware that many schools and businesses ban the word “Christmas”, lest it offend people of other religions).

People become, well… boring, when they aren’t trying to push boundaries.  I really believe that pushing boundaries of acceptability is what makes part of life fun.  We all did it, once – remember as a kid when you used the “f*ck” word?  You knew perfectly well that your parents and teachers would frown upon (or even discipline) you for being such a naughty child.  And then, you got to university (or secondary-school, for the early starts), where you’d mumble the offence-causing “c*nt” word, much to your shameful glee.

Since when did people feel the need to grow up and to stop all of this inquisitive pushing?  F*ck and C*nt are pretty much used in everyday language now – indeed, there’s probably not a live comedy act where these words aren’t uttered.  So, I dunno about anyone else, but I still feel the need to push, and push, and push.  And that’s where my socially unacceptable utterances come from.  I know it’s wrong to talk about stillborn to pregnant women, to make lewd sexual suggestions to my own sister – the fact that it’s wrong is what continues to give me the shameful glee and fun that I used to derive as a kid!

OK – there have been occasions where it goes wrong.  Certainly, I have managed to cause major offence.  And really, I’m genuinely apologetic when this happens.  But, I’m not going to stop.  Most of the time, it doesn’t cause offence, and you’d be surprised by how much one can get away with!  Hey – so far I haven’t yet been punched in the face for any of my slanderous utterings, but I may change my tune one day when it (eventually, and probably deservedly) happens!

It is, for me, allowing my inner child to continue to rebel – in my mind it’s the adult equivalent of using the F and C words, which have long since lost their impact.

It makes life, well, interesting and fun.

There are so many people out there who take life far too seriously, who worry about everything they do and say, and worry about everything that happens – regardless of whether it is in their control or not.  People bottle themselves up for fear of offending – they become bland, boring, characterless sheep.  It’s so very disappointing to see people reign themselves in – typically, it’s only when they’re very drunk does the immature, boundless part of their personality come forth.

Shame, really… :(

For the record, I do appreciate that there’s a very delicate line to be drawn (which I cheat and try to push back as much as I can).  Crossing this line causes great offence, and I’ve been there before.  Genuinely, I never mean to cause any real offence – just enough to cause great consternation and disdain, but never any genuine emotional upset.  So yes - (and this is really the only time you’ll hear this from me), I do apologise to anyone out there who may have been genuinely offended by what I randomly come out with.

But otherwise, I’ll continue down my path of being completely incorrigible.  All through my school days, I was (like everyone else) told to grow up.  I’m still constantly being told to grow up.  This, to me, is a great vindication, and a sure sign that I’ve yet to lose my perspective of fun!

OK.  So – if I were to do a bit of self-introspection, I guess that one of the first things I would ask is:

“Why on earth do you behave so immaturely?  What’s with acting like a juvenile 5-year-old?”

An easy answer, this.  Because it’s fun.  I’ll get into a lot more detail about the mixing of “fun” in my life on my third posting, but just take it as read – I derive great fun from being immature.

I think that, for most people, there is a time and a place to have fun.  Fun is something you do socially with friends, or with the family.  Fun is generally not something you do at work, although we all appreciate that there are a blessed few whose work environment positively fosters fun.

Wait… right there.  You agreed with the first part of that paragraph, yeah?  Cool.  You agreed with the last part of that paragraph?  Well, shame on you.

In my opinion, you are not “blessed” with a work environment that positively fosters fun.  No-one is.  What these environments have is people who are willing to make it fun.  It is very much an obvious and clichéd statement, but life is what you make it.  Therefore, make your work more fun.

For me, fun is being juvenile, it’s about doing childish pranks and committing to acts of stupidity.  As long as it doesn’t impact on people, work, or clients, then what’s the harm?

An example: after I dropped out of university, I got a part-time job with Total (Total Oil Marine, as it was back then).  It was a short contract summer job for first-line technical support (well, what else could you get as a university drop-out who had no real qualifications).  It was also around the time that Intel launched it’s then-new Itanium processor.  This was a big-deal for me – not because I would ever use it, or the company I was currently working in would ever buy one (at the time) – no, it was because it was a fantastic new product from Intel, and I strongly believed that I needed to raise awareness of it within the company.  So – what did I do?  Well, I downloaded a high-res image from Intel’s press site, and printed it in A1-size paper (yes, I abused company resources).  I then wore it as a cape, and spent one day wandering around the Total offices in Altens with my Itanium cape, telling those who I was meeting/supporting what the Intel Itanium was about, and why they should be excited.  I even remember skipping (yes – actual run/skip motions) down the off-limits Executive Corridor with my Itanium cape.  Weirdly enough, I didn’t get fired.  If I did, it would have been no great loss – who wants to work in a humourless company, after all (it wasn’t as if I was causing anyone any harm or offence)?  Instead, at the end of my contract period, I got asked if I would like to extend it, and to take a new position coordinating technical support for their Office 2000 rollout.  That’s right – Itanium Man got a promotion and, as a university drop-out, was responsible for managing a small support team which comprised of contractors who were nearly twice my age.  Needless to say, I accepted!

Having fun in work is risky – it always is…  You will find a few who will join you but, by and large, you just need to make sure that people can tolerate you.  As long as you make acceptable compromises, and ensure you don’t negatively impact work or clients, then all works out well.

A few months back, I had to spend weeks pushing for my new job title.  After all, Grand Poobah of Technology Evangelism is hardly a serious job title, is it?  I’ve been told by those in the office that the oil industry is one which is entirely humourless, and one which will not accept my irreverent job title.  Pah, said I.  After much back and forth, I now have two sets of business cards.  I can indeed call myself a Grand Poobah, but I also have a staid set of “serious” cards (which, funnily enough, I’ve yet to actually hand out to anyone).  But at least I’ve made the compromise, and can continue to have fun as it suits.

I don’t much like pointless rules, or conformity for conformity’s sake.  I don’t respect job titles, or job positions.  That’s not to say I don’t respect the people – it’s just that one can only tolerate so many “Technical Architects” or “Marketing Managers” or “Customer Satisfaction Providers”.  And thus, as my two-fingers up to the pointlessness of job titles (it’s the person and the work they produce that count, not the bloody title they’ve been given), I have called myself the Grand Poobah of Technology Evangelism, the most meaningless and self-important job title that I could muster at the time.

I digress somewhat.  What am I trying to say?  Well, just have fun!  If you’re not enjoying work, then find an avenue to make it fun.  If your social life is somewhat lacking – well, get your phone book out and make plans!  For instance, I’ve booked a two-day holiday on the 4th/5th November (school days, so to speak) to have a drinking competition around the US Presidential elections.  I’ll be working weekends and evenings to compensate, but the point is that I/we plotted to have fun, and have made a few compromises to ensure that it happens.

Oh – and try not to offend people.  OK, so I try to be as offensive as possible, but not to the point where someone is genuinely offended.  You’d be surprised at how much offence you can give, even about the most unspoken and unsavoury subjects, without actually causing offence (but more on that tomorrow).

People may believe that there is a time and a place for fun, and that you can’t have fun all the time.  I have a different outlook – I think that one should derive fun from anything that one can.  Personally speaking, work would be pointless if I wasn’t enjoying it and having a laugh.  It’s the reason I do random things like combine Tartare Sauce with HobNobs.  It’s why I have Pokémon scattered around my desk.  Just… make sure it doesn’t impact your work or your responsibilities.

My immaturity and juvenility allow me to enjoy my work.  It also allows me to more enjoy my personal and family life – it still cracks me up to see the utter disdain/bemusement on my sister’s face when I mutter something completely inappropriate and lewd to her (more on Stan the Inappropriate tomorrow).

So there it is.  Selfishly, I could say that this is my life, and I have the right to lead it as I choose.  And certainly, I will state that.  My goal is to have fun and, for me, it’s all about being childish and immature.

I’ll add a caveat, however, and say that it’s not my intent for my behaviour to cause any detriment to anyone else’s life (whether it be deliverables at work, relationships with clients, or friendships with, well, friends) – if you have been affected then really, you should let me know, otherwise I’ll continue onwards as always!

Hurrah for Stan the Immature.  Right – I’m off to listen to the soundtrack to Pokémon 3 (the album has an excellent remix of the Pokémon Johto theme tune) on the drive back home, before snuggling into bed with Teddy, Teddy2, and Dizzy Devil).