Dear RandomStan,

Salutations and greetings!  It’s been a long time since we last spoke, and I thought that this would be a suitable time to drop a quick e-mail to catch up with you.  You might vaguely remember me – such has been the passage of time in the interim.  I’m the sensible, well-mannered aspect of your personality – just nickname me Anti-RandomStan.

I’ve been in a privileged position (you know, as part of your personality) to have read your recent blogs, overheard your recent conversations, and observed your general behaviour.  I know it has been a long time since we discussed this last but… I was wondering if I might yet again appeal to your better-natured side to strive for a bit more tolerance and maturity?

I’d like to think that we’re aspiring to live in a more enlightened age.  Especially given your background of excellent education and upbringing at Robert Gordon’s College (recently placed 1st in the Financial Times league of Scottish Schools), I had expectations that you would be a shining example of tolerance, understanding and political correctness.  Alas, I feel that you might have meandered (inadvertently, I hasten to add) somewhat away from this aspiration.

Given the furore surrounding the confluence of recent events; it did motivate me to contact yourself and set forth once again my general appeal to you.  Surely the media and public reaction around the controversial voicemails that Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross recently made have proved beyond doubt that there is no place in today’s society for negative behaviour and uncomplimentary comments?  Indeed – on a more personal level, you’ve taken your offences to a whole new level where associates are resorting to leaving negative feedback on your blog!

My personal stance (in an utterly non-condemning way, of course) is that I don’t believe it is suitable to crack vague “jokes” surrounding anyone’s misfortune (regardless of whether it has happened, or may happen).  I pick a few of your recent jibes to illustrate my point:

• You recently started indicating your distaste around “Christmas” marketing.  Although you may not realise, this may offend non-Christians – regardless of whether they follow other religions, or choose not to believe in religion at all.  I would recommend that you call this forthcoming period the “non-denominational festive period”, to more accurately reflect today’s mixed society and to ensure no offence is caused.
• You also crack comments around the matter of AIDS.  (Actually – it appears that you just like uttering the word, as if it were some sort of fashionable catch-phrase.)  Again – think of the people whose lives have been devastated by this terrible scourge.
• You most recently blogged about the forthcoming Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 game.  I should point out that this game carries a whole baggage of negativity.  From the stereotyping of the Japanese and Russians to the portrayal of war – indeed, this game manages to potentially offend people both in terms of race, as well as trivialises those many billions who have either died or otherwise been negatively impacted by war.  Have we not yet had enough death through war to realise it for the obscene concept that it is?  Yet we continue undeterred to these lessons – playing war-games and shooting people as if it were socially acceptable.
• Infertility and still-born jokes are, well, just in bad taste.  How many lives have been devastated due to these factors?  Millions of women around the world live their lives in fear of these awful circumstances – to trivialise it with unnecessary jibes is just, well, uncouth!

You argue recently that you are “pushing boundaries”, and that there are differing opinions on tolerances.  However, you appear not to have realised that no negative behaviour should be tolerated.  It is equally offensive to joke about infertility and AIDS as it is to force upon the concept of “Christmas” to non-Christians or to shoot at people in games while there are people being shot at in real life in our city streets!

As has been demonstrated amply by the Brand/Ross Radio 2 outrage and recent electronic communications – it does not matter if the victim himself/herself is offended or not – it does matter when people take it upon themselves to be offended on other peoples’ behalf.  After all – only 2 people initially complained about the Brand/Ross incident, until it hit the mainstream press and full public indignity erupted!

In today’s society – it is perfectly acceptable to be offended on other peoples’ behalf – it is what helps us on our path to a more tolerant and understanding society.

My plea to you is to become a model citizen.  Resist dropping negative comments to people, and generally become tolerant, understanding and encouraging.  Feel free to step in when you think offence may be caused, as this will undoubtedly provide food for thought to others, bringing them to introspectively reflect on their own behaviour.  Become, as they say in society, as Politically Correct as one can possibly aspire to be!

As well as being an entreaty, I encourage you to view this as a challenge!  My non-offensive challenge to you, sir, would be to spend the next two weeks (from midnight of the 30th October to midnight of the 13th November) to be as upstanding a citizen as you can possibly be.  Champion the cause of political correctness, and strive not to cause offence!  I understand that you are not a particularly charitable person (which, I hasten to add, is not an offence-causing criticism – just a general observation on a particular facet of your overall unique and special personality).  Therefore, I will also appeal to your more materialistic side – if you can maintain my challenge of two weeks of political correctness, I will allow you to purchase a new toy.  I know (being, you know, a part of your overall personality) that you keep a stash of money hidden in your sister’s underwear drawer (which you ostensibly claim to be a safe place to hide cash, whereas I would posit that you put money there so that you can fondle your sister’s panties in the darkness under the guise of searching for some pocket money) – I would agree to your spending no more than £3,000 of that money to buy yourself a 64-bit Tablet PC that I know you have been hankering after.  Every time you become bitter and cynical, and are just desperate to drop a lewd or offensive comment, divert your tension by thinking of the productivity-enhancing benefits that a 64-bit Tablet PC with 8GB RAM could bestow upon you!

I sincerely hope that you accept my challenge, and would wish you the absolute best of luck!

Many warm regards

Anti-RandomStan

---

Dear RandomStan

“Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker!  You’re a cock-sucking, ass-licking uncle fucker…”  What?!?  I’m merely quoting from the South Park movie!

Blah blah blah blah.  What a long-winded, stupidly pointless rant-letter.  Yada-yada-yada.  As I said before, I quite enjoy pushing boundaries, and I still firmly believe that no topic should ever be out of bounds.  If we’re worried about cracking jokes around paedophiles, rape and infertility, then surely we should also be equally offended about jokes around poverty, war, and religion (because, you know, millions of people have died from the latter – and thus it’d be equally offensive to trivialise those).

But… I accept your challenge.  For two reasons:

1. Yes – a shiny new 64-bit Tablet PC would just be great.  I can’t technically justify buying one, but I think it would be a suitable reward for two weeks of total tolerance and utter political correctness and,
2. I personally think that an utterly politically correct RandomStan would bug the hell out of everyone – it’d get utterly annoying, and I think I’d get kicks just for doing that!

You know, I was kinda disappointed a few weeks ago when I was getting drunk, looking for an epiphany, and thinking I didn’t get one.  Over recent days, I come to realise that I possibly had one of the best ever…

“Yes.  I’m a dick.  And I enjoy being a dick.”

And on that note – brace yourself for two weeks of Politically Correct RandomStan!

Yours (with hugs and smooches)

RandomStan

P.S.  I should point out that I’ve already planned a social event around the US Presidential Elections, so will agree to your challenge on the caveat that the Tue/Wed of 4th/5th Nov is not included in your challenge.  I will, after all, be around similarly like-minded immaturity, so feel that no offence would be caused in any case.  Ta!